I had often wondered if The Self Help or How To book was out there, or better yet, a map that plotted my life journey so I could find comfort in the fact I knew where I was headed. I asked myself this question during the numerous times I browsed the shelves of bookstores and eagerly flipped through those that looked promising. I dreamed of the day I would uncover the ultimate guide. The encyclopedia of knowledge that would tell me the secrets of living with chronic pain. And of course the elusive magic wand would be included; nicely tucked inside the bookcover flap.
I recently had to meet with one of my longterm disability case managers. As I began to look through my binders and countless file folders containing my medical history I realized my scribbled notes are a souvenir of my journey. My travel log. For instance, I can tell anyone what drugs, the dosage and what specialist I saw on April 2nd, 2003. As an injured worker, I frequently undergo tremendous scrutiny. As I prepare for battle, my notes are my armor. Time and again, I tell my story- the Reader’s Digest version. How do I explain all that I have gone through? In the world of workplace politics, there is no room for emotion. I am just another case number with a thick file folder. When I don’t fit into their desired cubby hole, where do I turn? It is a struggle to remain upright and moving forward when you are walking on quick sand.
In the Yoga Sutra’s, sutra II.46 sthira sukham asanam can be translated to mean that with every pose (asana) one looks to find stability (sthira) and ease (sukham). Half Moon Pose (Ardha Chandrasana) is where my steadfastness and surrender meet. It is here where I search for my balance. Due to the loss of feeling in the majority of my right side, finding balance can prove to be a little challenging. But when I connect to the sweet spot, sthira sukham, my floating leg and arms feel weightless. I fully embrace the energy that travels up my standing leg to my pelvis and then zings up my spine like a sunburst. My chest open and fingertips bright. This is it.. my moment to shine. No one can take this away. Today I can stand strong… even on one leg. The memories of these sensations help fuel my desire to keep going.
In Sanskrit the word svadhyaya means self-study. Yoga has given me the opportunity to go inward. The moments of silence between the inhales and exhales is what my body and mind crave. To simply just be present in the stillness and to let go. Inhale… Let… Exhale… Go. Letting go is my path to freedom.
It is time to close my binders and shed my armor. With each bead of sweat that drips onto my yoga mat I release my past. I no longer grieve for what my life could have been had I not gotten injured. As I move into my deep hip openers I connect to my despair and sadness. So this is where it has been lodged all these years. With every backbend I become raw. My heart exposed and my true emotions revealed. And by the end, as I lay in savasana, I am naked; the layers stripped away… the union of body, mind and soul. I now know that everything and anything is possible. I have ended my quest for my special edition book and wand. Yoga has shown me my path. I am my own book. I am my own healer. I honor my roots… from my roots I rise.
